The Art of Listening

Do you find when you are arguing with your significant other that you often don't hear what the other person says because you are busy thinking about how you are going to respond?  Many times, this is the pattern that couples get into--then both people walking away feeling hurt and unheard.  In one of my earlier posts, I discussed listening as a component to fighting fair.  Here's a few tips aimed at a better way to listen:

•  If you are busy and can't give the person your full attention, say so.  It's okay to say, "I can't give you my full attention right now, but I will gladly listen _________ (give a specific time).
• Listen with the intent of trying to hear what the person is trying to say.  Ask questions--it means you are interested and engaged.
• Try listening with an empathetic ear.  Make an attempt to put yourself in the other person's shoes. 
• Listen without the expectation of responding.  Make the goal to hear the other person, instead of what the response is going to be.

Give it a go!  Chances are you will both walk away feeling better for having taken the time to talk to each other!

Group Counseling for Women

Group counseling can be a wonderful, cost-effective way of dealing with issues that may be making life difficult. Many clients find a great deal of relief in talking to someone who has been there--as well as learning from and with others.

Creative Pathways has new group opportunities for February.  For more information about what group counseling is and what you can expect, scroll down to the group counseling section on our Faq's page.  

Call or email to see if group therapy is right for you--space is limited!

Can Fighting Be Good For A Relationship?

  Many times I ask clients who come for couples therapy what would be different in their relationship if they felt content and happy.  One of the most typical answers I get is to "stop fighting.".  What about couples who claim they never fight?  My experience as a therapist has been that very often these couples end up in therapy many years later, saying that they have grown apart or have lost their connection.  

Fighting is uncomfortable and can get out of hand, with one or both walking away hurt.  So, what is the answer?  Fighting can be a way of engaging each other, but we have to learn how to fight fair.  We sometimes forget that this is the person we love and we neglect taking care of each other's hearts.  Here are some ground rules that can help get a fight on the right track.

• Think about how to get our point across so the other person can hear us.  If we simply explode with anger, the other person will naturally put up defenses and nothing gets resolved.  We may walk away feeling better that we got it off our chesHts, but it can be at the other person's expense.  We all want to be heard by the person we love, so make "being heard" the goal instead of "unloading."

• Take a time-out if it's getting out of hand, but always make a plan to come back together.  We have to be careful not to use this rule as a way of avoiding, but an opportunity to calm down and get our thoughts together.

• Listen!  We often listen to the other person, but not always with the intent of hearing what the other person is saying.  Instead, we are planning how we are going to respond, sometimes picking things we can hang on to, in order to throw back at the person later.  Instead, listen with an empathic ear, asking questions so we can understand what the other person is saying.n. 

• Lastly, validate the other person's feelings.  We don't have to sell ourselves out, it just means that we recognize the other person feels bad.  It also helps the other person feel safe in expressing to us how they feel.

Can online relationships be the real thing?

Is online dating a good way to meet people?  In an interview with biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, author of the book "Why We Love" says "with these new networking sites, you do get to know some basic things about somebody before you meet them, and that’s more natural." In our society, we tend to be too busy for socializing and getting out to meet people, so online can be a good option.  Although many great relationships start online, it can also be a source of disillusionment and disappointment.  What are the risks and benefits of searching for Mr. or Ms. Right online?  How do you avoid feeling a big let down when the relationship goes from computer to real life?

• Be realistic.  When the relationship is predominantly online, a person can get “offline” when they are angry or upset.  You may not get a good sense for how the person handles conflict or less positive emotions.  You are only seeing the part of the person that they want you to see and they are only seeing one side of you.  

• Be aware of the pitfalls of long-distance relationships.  When you do get together periodically, it usually feels like a vacation.  Real life is usually on hold, so we don't get a feel for what "real life" would be like with the person.

• Be honest.  Let your great qualities shine, but also let the real you peek through.  We all have flaws and its better to know if the flaws are "deal breakers" for the other person upfront, instead of months down the road.

• Go slow.  Be careful about moving across the country for someone you have only known through instant messaging and phone contact.  There are so many other things you need to know about the person that you can’t learn without being face-to-face.

Online dating can be a good way to screen people before meeting, and much more convenient than sitting in a bar...after all, what do we know about someone at the end of the bar who is buying us a drink?  No matter where you meet a person, it’s a risk.  It’s even more of a risk when you can’t get see that person "in the wild," interacting with others.  So, give it a go! Just don’t let the person’s online persona be all you know before making serious life changes.