Can Fighting Be Good For A Relationship?

  Many times I ask clients who come for couples therapy what would be different in their relationship if they felt content and happy.  One of the most typical answers I get is to "stop fighting.".  What about couples who claim they never fight?  My experience as a therapist has been that very often these couples end up in therapy many years later, saying that they have grown apart or have lost their connection.  

Fighting is uncomfortable and can get out of hand, with one or both walking away hurt.  So, what is the answer?  Fighting can be a way of engaging each other, but we have to learn how to fight fair.  We sometimes forget that this is the person we love and we neglect taking care of each other's hearts.  Here are some ground rules that can help get a fight on the right track.

• Think about how to get our point across so the other person can hear us.  If we simply explode with anger, the other person will naturally put up defenses and nothing gets resolved.  We may walk away feeling better that we got it off our chesHts, but it can be at the other person's expense.  We all want to be heard by the person we love, so make "being heard" the goal instead of "unloading."

• Take a time-out if it's getting out of hand, but always make a plan to come back together.  We have to be careful not to use this rule as a way of avoiding, but an opportunity to calm down and get our thoughts together.

• Listen!  We often listen to the other person, but not always with the intent of hearing what the other person is saying.  Instead, we are planning how we are going to respond, sometimes picking things we can hang on to, in order to throw back at the person later.  Instead, listen with an empathic ear, asking questions so we can understand what the other person is saying.n. 

• Lastly, validate the other person's feelings.  We don't have to sell ourselves out, it just means that we recognize the other person feels bad.  It also helps the other person feel safe in expressing to us how they feel.