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Ginger Holczer, PsyD






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over and over again...

Rumination.  The thoughts go round and round in your head, ad nauseam.  Ever experience this?  It seems that for those who do this, not only do the thoughts go around, but they spiral down to a really negative place.  You start by thinking about a conversation you had or some behavior you enacted, and before you know it you are beating yourself up mercilessly for something you said or did.  The process can keep you up at night or prevent you from being productive and moving into solution mode.  How do you get out of this hamster wheel?  

1.  Try being mindful.  When you are ruminating, you are generally thinking about the past or stressing about the future.  Being in the moment can be calming and put a wrench in this process.  Try paying attention to your senses--notice what you are hearing, seeing, smelling, tasting, touching.  This moves you into the present and out of that crazy-making cycle.

2.  Instead of going over and over whatever is bothering you, ask yourself clarifying questions.  What can you learn from the situation?  Do you need to take some action?  

3.  Often, this kind of thinking can be somewhat irrational.  Is there really a problem or is it old baggage coming back to haunt you?  If you can rule that out baggage, come up with a solution instead of going around and around.  

Ruminating is not productive or helpful.  You may need to simply tell yourself "STOP," so you can move on to thoughts that are more deserving of your attention.  Get off the circular hamster wheel and jump on the path to move forward--instead of round and round!


What do you want to get out of therapy?

 A friend posted this article on a social media site  It is an excellent review of what therapy is and isn't--as well as how to get the most out of the therapy experience.  Check it out!


Coming out of the closet...

I was inspired this morning by a poignant TedTalk. The speaker was a lesbian woman who was asked repeatedly by young children whether she was a "boy" or a "girl." Her message in the video was that we all have closets, despite our sexual orientation--and there are hard conversations that we have to have with the people around us. 

Every one of us has a story, and maybe not every part of our story needs to be shared with everyone. Throughout life, there are those dark moments in the closet, when we need to tell someone something really difficult. What keeps us curled up on our closet floor--alone and afraid? It might be any number of conversations--ending a relationship, serious illness, sexual orientation--things that we know we have to confront, but the closet seems so much better than the outside, where we might hurt someone, disappoint, or make them angry.

Ash Beckham, the speaker in the video, likened this to holding a grenade--it has to be thrown or it is going to explode. When we don't throw the grenade, we are not true to our narrative--and we affect the narrative of others. What do I mean by that?  If we aren't coming out of the closet, we are giving others false hope, leading people on--but most importantly, not being authentic. If we want the people in out life to be authentic to us, we have to act in kind.

Is there a grenade that you have to throw? Is there a closet that is keeping you confined and alone? Coming out of the closet is never easy...

See the video here.


Crazy, you say?

I love this recent blog in the Huffington Post.  I really appreciate that it is written by a man, which makes it even more powerful.  Take a look and share!



Fireworks are everywhere this time of year--but what about in the bedroom? One myth that we tend to believe is that all sexual encounters should be mind-blowing, "knock your socks off" sex.  Not true!  When we put that expectation on ourselves or our partners, we end up disappointed and sometimes even angry.  Barry McCarthy and Michael Metz, authors of many books regarding sexuality and relationships came up with what they call "The Good Enough Sex Model."  The model says:

35%-45% of encounters are "very good"

20% are "good" for at least one partner and "okay" for the other

15%-20% are "okay" for one partner and "acceptable" for the other

5%-10% are dissatisfying or dysfunctional

So, take the pressure off yourself and your partner, relax and enjoy the fireworks when they happen--but give yourself permission to be okay if they don't happen every time.  And for the 5%-10% of the time that is a disaster, try a sense of humor.  It can work wonders to allow you and your partner to move forward in a sexually healthy direction without embarrassment or resentment.  Have a Happy 4th!