Romance Is in the air...Where?!

As I was looking for an idea for a Valentine's Day blog, an article about the most romantic cities in the U.S. as determined by Amazon caught my eye.  This seemed like a good place to start, so I read on.... Hmmm...#1, Knoxville, TN; #2, Alexandria, VA, very nice, but then, wait...WHAT?!! #3? Springfield, MO?! Seriously?! So I read on, dying to know what the criteria was that even put our town on the list.   Turns out the list was based on sales data of romantic novels, relationship books, romantic comedy movies, Barry White albums and sexual wellness aids.  See the article here.

Why in the world would Springfield be so romantic?  So I considered the criteria, and noticed that a few of the items were things that might be purchased mainly by women.  That brings me to the notion of female desire.  It turns out that women don't go down the same sexual path that men do. Apparently, men have a very linear, distinct way of experiencing sexual response, based on the work of the sexuality researchers, Masters and Johnson.  Recently, it has been argued that women aren't sharing the same experience--beginning from a more neutral place than men, women tend to have to make a conscious choice to even think about being sexual.  A woman may engage sexually due to a desire for emotional closeness and intimacy or she may react to advances from a partner.  There is an exception, however; women in new relationships or after a long separation from a partner may follow a more linear path typical of the male cycle.

So, how does this relate to the placing of our fair city on such an amorous list?  Perhaps if we are reading, watching, and listening to more intimate and sexually arousing material, we are thinking more in terms of connecting with our partners.  This allows us to get past that neutral place, making a conscious effort to choose to be intimate, leading to that romantic feeling.  Which may precipitate the desire for Barry White music....as well as "sexual wellness aids."  So, this Valentine's Day, before heading to a romantic destination for dinner, what about browsing the sex and relationship aisle of your local Barnes and Noble?  Who knows, Barry White may be playing in the background....

Loving yourself

How about a new approach to Valentine's Day?  I'm not talking about a new type of sex toy or a great position, I'm talking about showing yourself a little love!  What makes you feel warm and fuzzy?  Is it words that make you feel good?  flowers?  a particular song?  Here are some ways to express love to yourself:

• Write yourself a love letter or a love poem.  Tell yourself what is special about you, what you appreciate about yourself, or what you have done to make life good.  Even if the only thing you can come up with is that you got out of bed this morning, really praise yourself.  You deserve every word of it!

• Make a date with yourself.  Play music you like, go see or rent a movie you've been wanting to see, cook your favorite meal, take a bubble bath--whatever makes you happy!

• Honor your independence!  Some of us have partners, but if you don't, accept that it's okay to fly solo.  Pamper yourself with a spa day or do-it-yourself in your own bathroom with lots of candles and a glass of wine.

• Send a card or flowers to someone who is unpartnered.  Doing something for someone we care about can be very uplifting and rewarding.

• Solo love play has its advantages--it can have health benefits, such as keeping tissues supple and healthy, as well as experimenting with what feels good for your body.

The one person that deserves your adoration and love is you, so celebrate yourself today!

Female Sexual Desire...

"So instead of viewing desire as a commodity, something that we're in danger of losing or missing out on, I'd like us to agree up front that sexual desire is energy--a sustainable resource that's available to all of us if we want it, even those of us who may not have it right now.  Not just to lead us into steamier encounters, but to reconnect us with ourselves and our partners, and to discover new sources of pleasure and joy."   --Gina Ogden, PhD, from The Return of Desire:  A Guide to Rediscovering Your Sexual Passion

Dr. Gina Ogden gives us a wonderful glimpse into female sexual desire by suggesting the notion that desire, at its best, has components of four types of energy--body, mind, heart, and spirit.  I think most of us get the body thing....and maybe the heart thing, but what does the rest mean?  It means completeness--and a well-rounded way of looking at experiencing sexual desire, outside of an intercourse encounter.  

As women, so many things can get in the way of sexual desire--hormones, kids, demands, career, guilt, shame, etc.  And what about self-esteem?  Self-esteem can be a huge mood killer, draining the sexual energy right out of our bodies.  We end up putting sex at the very bottom of our list, instead of giving it the attention it deserves.  Even if we are without a partner, sexuality can be a very important part of our lives.  Consider this: sexuality can actually increase energy, instead of the dread that it's just another way of taking energy away from us.

Rather than seeing sexual energy as a demand on our already tired bodies, think about the idea that sex can be rejuvenating--an "energy-giver" instead of an "energy-sucker!"  Desire can go way beyond a time-consuming moment of hop into bed/few minutes of foreplay/orgasm or not/go to sleep--it can be long, lingering looks, a sensuous moment in a bathtub, the feel of silk on your skin, dancing to a passionate piece of music, dreams, wishes, listening to a dreamy melody, hopes, and on and on...

If desire is something you struggle with, there is hope.  Call Creative Pathways to inquire about ways our small, confidential groups can help you grow in the area of desire.  Go to the "Books on Amazon" section of this website to find a link to purchase Dr. Ogden's powerful book.

Stay tuned for more on sexual desire....

Choosing Hope

“We are not what happened to us, 
we are what we wish to become.” 
― C.G. Jung

Sometimes we hang on to the past with a vengeance.  Past traumas can haunt us, making it difficult to be "in the moment"--instead, we define ourselves by the trauma that we suffered.  Through this negative definition of ourselves, we take any new experience and send it down that same, well-worn path, never even considering there may be a new path to take.  

Sometimes, the people in our past treated us badly and we end up letting their skewed view of the world color the way we percieve ourselves.  For instance, if a person felt unloved by a parent as a child, the child may grow up to feel inherently unlovable.  What about the possibility that the parent was unable to love?  We have to look at the evidence and throw out the unreliable information that came from an unreliable person, which we allow to shape us in a negative fashion.  

Regret becomes self-defeating if we let it consume us.  When it comes to past trauma, we regret what was done to us, or maybe we regret what we didn't experience.  Regret can be a sad, gentle longing which prompts us to move forward, but in order for it to be positive we have to examine our regret and then discard it.  Painful regret can easily become a place where we live, instead of a potential for learning.

Working through the emotions that keep us chained to the past is the key.  If we keep reliving them, we are bound to the trauma.  Choose hope for the future over being scarred from the past.  

If you need a therapist to help you move past trauma, call us today.

Men and sex....

In our society, we often assume that low sexual desire and sexual problems belong to women, while men perform consistently like sex machines!  This is unfortunate, unrealistic, and can cause a great deal of shame for men who struggle with low desire, sexual trauma, performance anxiety, poor body image, and other problems that may affect sexuality.  There seems to be many self-help books written for women about sex, but what resources are out there for men?  When it comes to sex, we are often afraid to share these issues with the people who can help, like our partner, therapist, or physician. 

In the book, Male Sexual Awareness (1998), Barry and Emily McCarthy suggest that men tend to hang on to "sexual myths" because they are expected to know everything there is about the subject.  This leaves little room to question the myths and talk frankly about sex.  How can you, as a man, begin to open up the lines of communication in order to realize a more satisfying sexual experience? 

• Talk to your partner about what your needs are and ways you can meet these needs together.  Your partner will never know what feels good and what doesn't feel good unless you express it. Experimenting with different ways of pleasuring each other can not only be informative, but exciting!

• Consider your sexual history.  What were the sexual mesages in your family, your faith community, or your culture? Did you suffer sexual shame in some way? How were you exposed to sex? Were your early sexual encounters positive or negative?

• Explore your own body and be aware of the kind of touch you like, the pressure that feels good, the amount of friction you need, etc.,  so you can relay that info to your partner.

• If you suffered sexual trauma, seek help.  There are resources to help you.  Find a therapist you can trust and with whom you can feel safe revealing difficult feelings.  Feel free to ask during the intital phone call if the therapist feels confident in this area.  As a therapist, I would prefer that someone ask about my experience with an issue early on, rather than get weeks into the therapy and discover I can't help the person.  You can find a therapist who deals specifically with sexual issues by going to the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) website: www.aasect.org.

• The solution may be something like a new position or a new way to touch, or it could be a pro-erection medication that may be needed.  The point here is to seek the answer that will put you on the road to a more satisfying experience.

• Talk to your sons and daughters about sex!  Don't let them fall into the trap of feeling as though men are sex experts.  Let them know that it's okay to ask questions.

Here are some resources to help get you started:

Bader, Michael.  Male Sexuality: Why Wome Don't Understand It and Men Don't Either.  Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield, 2009.

Bennett, Libby & Ginger Holczer.  Finding and Revealing Your Sexual Self: A Guide to Communicating about Sex.  Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield, 2010.

Castleman, Michael.  Great Sex: A Man's Guide to the Secret Principles of Total-Body Sex.  New York: Rodale Press.

Lew, Mike.  Victims No Longer: The Classic Guide for Men Recovering from Sexual Childhood Abuse.  New York: HarperCollins, 2004.

McCarthy, Barry & Emily McCarthy.  Male Sexual Awareness.  New York: Carroll & Graf Publishers, Inc., 1998.