Be a love detective

Do you and your partner continually have the same argument?  Many couples come to therapy and report not only the same fight, but they fight the same way over and over again.  How do we put an end to this frustrating cycle?  Be a love detective!

Instead of going to your separate corners and putting on the boxing gloves, sit with each other and gather clues.  Ask your partner questions to help you understand what happened and what his/her thought process was. Here are some ideas for being a super love sleuth:

• What happened?
• What kept you from getting the task completed?
• Is there a way to improve the way we get that particular task done?
• What was your thought process when you said or did  ____________?
• Am I understanding this correctly? Do you mean ______________?
• Do you have any other solutions?

There are many questions that you can ask--just be sure the questions don't have a "blaming" or condescending tone, such as "what on earth were you thinking?!". Try and keep your voice calm and neutral, leaving the emotion out of it.  Ask questions with the intent of gathering information and not to use later as "ammunition".  Your partner will appreciate the effort you are making to understand the situation.  Sherlock Holmes, look out!