how and why to stop comparing yourself to others

I can't begin to count how many times I hear clients and friends comment about how someone else they know "has it better than they do."  It seems that many of us get caught up with looking at other people and wishing we had what they have.  I am totally guilty as charged, by-the-way.  There is an old addage, "Don't judge your insides by someone else's outsides."  Think about what this means--that we judge the way we feel about ourselves with the way someone appears to us.  

Let me give you some examples of the type of judgements I have heard.  "I sit here in therapy working on my problems for weeks/months/years, while my ex is moving forward and already in a new relationship."  We look at the ex and how happy that person seems, then begin speculating on their wonderful life!  We don't have any idea what is REALLY going on.   It could be that the ex feels horribly stuck because the truth is, they ended up rushing into a relationship too quickly.  Or, the new love interest is treating them badly and they don't want anyone to know, so they put on a happy face.  There are literally hundreds of options to this scenario.

Sometimes a person might be envious because they say someone had a "better life," without strife or abuse.  Again, we have no idea what is going on in that person's psyche, or behind closed doors, for that matter.  Maybe the person is secretly a domestic violence victim.  Maybe they struggle inwardly with debilitating Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and have to drive home six times during the day to check that the stove is turned off in order to make the horrible anxiety go away. The possibilities are endless.

What about women?  How many times do we look at another woman and think about how put together she is compared to us?  We say things like, "she has such a great job, she doesn't have to worry about money," or "with a body like that, what does she have to worry about!"  Think about the options. Maybe she is in an unhappy marriage, or a parent is dying, or her child is failing school.  

How can we stop doing this?  First, think about the things in our lives we can be grateful for, instead of what we don't have.  That can be hard--sometimes our gratitude may be something as simple as we got out of bed that day, but come up with something.  Remember that other people have problems, too, even if we don't see it.  Try telling others how you see them, it might make a difference to them at that moment.  For instance, "you always look so nice and put together!"  or "you worked so hard to get your current position at the company!"  How would that make you feel if someone were that thoughtful to you?  We all do this at times, so don't be too hard on yourself.  Just take good care of your insides and forget about the outsides of other people.  After all, they may be comparing their insides to your outside!