Ginger Holczer, PsyD

I often see couples in my office who have trouble bringing up the subject of sex to each other. Even though the act of sex itself is such an intimate expression, we often avoid suggesting to our partners what feels good, what doesn't, what we would like more of, etc. It's such a difficult topic to broach, so how do you ask for what you need in a way that your partner can hear you? Here are a few ideas to get the conversation flowing:

Ask your partner when would be a good time to have a conversation about intimacy. That way, you can both decide on a time when neither of you seems too tired, too hungry, or involved in your favorite TV show. You want your partner's undivided attention.

Have talks about sex outside of the bedroom. You want your time in the bedroom to be just for sleeping, enjoying each other, and lovemaking.

Be careful with the words you choose. Sometimes its best to use the actual words for body parts so that the other person can hear what you are saying without being offended or put off.

Tell your partner the things you do like about your sex life. It can be hard to hear a laundry list of complaints, especially when it comes to a very touchy subject. An example might be: "I love when we kiss passionately during sex! Can we try more of that in the future?" or "It's so exciting when you ______________, maybe we could mix it up a little and try _______________?"

When you do have a complaint, talk about what would be a better way for you, not what your partner does wrong. For instance, instead of saying, "the way you touch me is all wrong," try saying, "I love being touched softly, can we try that this time? Here, let me show you...." You get the idea.

Ask what your partner would like to see happen with your sex life, then listen! It's okay to say, "I'm not sure if I can do __________, but I am willing to try ___________.

Sexuality and the way we experience each other changes constantly throughout our lifetime. Life gets in the way of intimacy, so we have to keep in touch with each other about where we are at and the way we express ourselves sexually. And a quick plug...check out the book Dr. Bennett and I wrote about communication and sex! Click here.